I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
