Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
