i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
