when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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