moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Randomize
