FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
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