just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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