I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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