I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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