He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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