Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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