Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
