chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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