How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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