I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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