just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
