I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
