At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
