just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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