At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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