I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
