he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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