the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
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He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
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I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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