I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
