YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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