well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
