gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
