When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
