I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
