I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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