What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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