you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
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