I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
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do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
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I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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