I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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