Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
look no pants
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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