one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
