but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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