So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
