Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
