But do you think a lot of ppl use facebook as a masturbation supplement to porn?
Let me make clear that I am not a facebook masturbator
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette