So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
