no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
