I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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