took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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