I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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