I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
soo... how was my night?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
