everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
So apparently I’m into choking now
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