If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Randomize
