My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
