theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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