i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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