I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
