get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
