i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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