My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize