I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Randomize
