he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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