My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
