I'm jealous of your bromance
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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