FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
My vagina is officially offended.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
