Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
i believe in u and ur pee
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
